Christmas Specials
To the tune of: “Jingle Bells.”
Flipping channels on,
My new flat-screen T.V.
Re-runs make me yawn,
Nothing new to see.
Rudolph and his show,
You’ve watched since you were five,
And, come on, don’t we always know,
That Frosty will survive?
Oh, Christmas Town, Charlie Brown,
Clarence gets his wings,
Home Alone takes robbers down,
And Irving Berlin sings,
Grinch relents, Scrooge repents,
Bad guys always lose.
While each viewer cries laments,
Like, “I’d rather watch the news.”
Optimist vs. Pessimist
To the tune of: “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”
One: It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
With the carols all playing,
And friends holidaying,
To fill us with cheer.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Two: It’s the most horrible time of the year.
With those dumb children’s toy fads,
And stupid T.V. ads,
For Kleenex and beer.
It’s the most horrible time of the year.
Two There’ll be transmission failings,
Mass form letter mailings,
And that lovely pre-Christmas rush.
One: There’ll be relatives calling
And snow will be falling…
Two: Which soon will all melt into mush.
One: It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
You bake cookies and sweet buns,
And drive to see loved ones,
From far and from near.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Two: It’s the most horrible time of the year.
Arrive eight hours later,
‘Cause an out-of-stater,
Made you hit a deer!
It’s the most horrible time of the year.
One: There’ll be carolers knocking,
While Santa fills stockings…
Two: A lie that we tell to deceive.
One: There’ll be sermons for preaching …
Two: And gifts that are teaching…
One: More blessed to give than receive.
Two: It’s the most horrible time of the year.
One: All the sleighs jingle-belling…
Two: And everyone selling…
Both: As Christmas draws near.
Two: It’s the most horrible time…
One: It’s the most wonderful time…
Both: It’s the most…holiday time of the year!
Credit Card Woes
Credit Card Woes
To the tune of: “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”
I just maxed out my credit card; I don’t know what I bought.
I only know my dad passed out, my mom just said, “a lot.”
And that it took eight shopping carts to hold all that I got.
O I just helped our sad economy,
Why can’t they see?
And the presents will look great beneath our tree.
I just maxed out my credit card; how did I go so far?
I only bought some presents, like an I-pod and a car.
A new T.V., a swimming pool, a baked potato bar,
And a diamond that I ordered in the mail,
It was on sale.
Plus tuition for my cousin who’s at Yale.
I just maxed out my credit card; I think the interest’s high,
That may be why the company is always stopping by,
And sending me those notices that say they hope I die.
It might take twenty years for me to pay.
What can I say?
And the New Year’s Sale begins on Saturday.
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