Conversation Hearts for Writers

No one knows exactly why candy companies sell millions of pastel chalk-like hearts with generic romantic sayings on them around Valentine’s Day. (Incidentally, they are not, in fact, chalk. I know this because I used one to write my name on a blackboard…and it would not erase.)

Do you know what the problem is with those candy hearts? I’ll tell you: they’re too generic. Hundreds of people across the nation will hand over that very same heart to others with the same chalky hands from searching through the bag for that same perfect message.

No, my friends. This should not be. We need specificity. We need detail. We need…conversation hearts for special interest groups. Like writers, for instance.

Other than being serenaded out my window or a gift of a three-story library with huge windows and those ladders that slide along the shelves when you push off from them (see Beauty and the Beast for details), I can think of nothing more romantic than these personalized writerly sentiments.

Unless, of course, they were given to me attached to a canvas, with the individual colors forming a mosaic of Shakespeare’s face. But let’s not go overboard here.

Note: If you’re not a writer, you may not be savvy enough to get some of these jokes. You might have to do some research before using these heart-melting lines. Don’t worry – it’s worth the time.

“I love you more than the Oxford comma.” – Grammar and romance…how much better can you get?

“Hey, wanna hear my elevator pitch?” – Classic, especially if you follow it with the description of a cheesy romance praising the virtues of the listener.

“Spellcheck must be wrong, because it won’t let me put ‘you’ and ‘me’ together.” – Oh, I think my heart just stopped beating.

“I will protect you from your editing group.” – Simple and strong, yet thoughtful. Any girl would want a guy who would throw himself in front of a barrage of critique and criticism.

Any quote from Jane Austen. (Having never read any of her books, I can’t suggest any. Apparently she’s a really good writer. About love and manners and…stuff. Or something like that.)

You might say, “Hey, these are too long for conversation hearts.” Fine, picture them on valentines instead. Or as writers conference pick-up lines. Whatever works for you.

I’m sure I’m leaving out some great sentiments. Any suggestions?