The Five Hate Languages

Not going to lie, the first time I was asked which of the “Five Love Languages” I expressed the most, I immediately thought I should be choosing between Latin, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, or French.

Romance languages. Love languages. They’re similar, okay?

I soon found out that the actual love languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Acts of Service. Then I was talked into taking an online quiz (with such subtle, soul-searching questions as, “Do you feel valued when people affirm you?” or “Do you enjoy receiving gifts?”).

Apparently I enjoy spending time with people and having them say nice things about me. Which I never could have figured out apart from this invaluable assessment.

All that to say, in my humble opinion, the Internet doesn’t need another Love Language quiz. So, I decided to put my own twist on this topic. I call it, “The Five Hate Languages,” and it will help you figure out how you (or a fictional character, if you’re a writer) react to people or situations that hurt you.

Gary Chapman is probably never going to write a book about this. To say it would not do well in the Christian market is an understatement. There might be riots here at Focus on the Family (where I’m interning this summer).

Let me make this disclaimer, though: this quiz is not intended to encourage these habits, like its happier counterpart. It’s so that you think about why you react the way you do. When you understand your bad habits, you’re more likely to control them, because you’re not reacting out of blind instinct.

(Okay, so this post can’t decide whether it’s secretly serious with a ridiculous title, or just an all-out parody. But just go with me here, okay? You can decide at the end.)

1. Imagine for a moment that you’re an evil overlord (i.e., keep your personality the same and just radically shift your values). You have heard rumors of resistance to your rule. How do you react?

1. Put spies out into the kingdom to gather specific information about any disturbances.
2. Double your guard forces and violently crush any resistance.
3. Make a speech, using your superior rhetoric (and fear tactics) to get the people to turn in any traitors among them.
4. Pass stricter laws, such as a curfew and a restriction against owning weapons.
5. Figure out who the ringleaders are, and personally devote yourself to making sure they are destroyed.

2. You can’t stand . . .

1. Being manipulated.
2. Not having anyone to blame.
3. People not listening to you.
4. Being left out.
5. Feeling helpless.

3. You got really upset at a good friend of yours. Then, a few days later, you realize that it was a terrible misunderstanding and your friend was completely innocent. You apologize for . . .

1. Not trying to figure out the whole truth.
2. Being a jerk.
3. Saying things you now regret.
4. Being angry at them for no reason.
5. Hurting their feelings.

4. The Disney villain you think is most like you.

1. Mother Gothel (Tangled)
2. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)
3. Scar (Lion King)
4. Stepmother (Cinderella)
5. Yzma (Emperor’s New Groove)

5. The kind of conflict that hurts you most is when someone. . .

1. Betrays you when you trusted them
2. Mocks you in public
3. Tries to ruin your reputation
4. Ruins what should have been something special and fun
5. Deliberately destroys something meaningful to you

6. Think back to your kindergarten report card. What negative comment would your teacher be most likely to make?

1. Pouts too much.
2. Needs to learn to control temper.
3. Lies to cover up mistakes.
4. Doesn’t share well.
5. Often says, “But he started it!”

7. On average, how long do you stay angry?

1. Until the other person apologizes
2. Not very long—things usually blow over quickly
3. Most of it dies down after a confrontation
4. A long time—I tend to hold grudges even after apologies if I don’t think they’re sincere
5. Somewhere in between—especially if I don’t have to interact with the person, I can get over it eventually

8. When you’re really, really angry, you are most like which weapon?

1. Poison—slow but effective
2. A bomb—explosive
3. A machine gun—tiny bursts that can rip things apart
4. Mustard gas—can make a lot of people miserable at once
5. An unmanned weapons system—hard to track, but deadly

Mostly As: Quality Shun

This method lets the other person know pretty clearly that they’ve done something wrong. It can include any form of manipulation, including turning other people against someone who hurt you.

Mostly Bs: Physical . . . Touch?

Okay, so this doesn’t necessarily mean that you actually go out and punch people, just that you probably wish you could. You get angry easily, but you don’t usually hold onto grudges for very long.

Mostly Cs: Words of Destruction

You can cut people down very easily when you get angry, because you have a ready arsenal of words and insults. Your favorite move is to try to get the other person to feel guilty for what they did, although you’ll settle for tearing them down too.

Mostly Ds: Sabatoge

Instead of giving, when you’re hurt, you do all you can to take. Your motto is, “If I can’t be happy, no one will be.” This kind of resentment can last a long time.

Mostly E’s: Acts of Hostility

This is usually a bit more passive-aggressive, a steady undermining of the person who hurt you. You don’t always directly confront the problem, but everyone can tell that your relationship is not the same.

By the way, I’m not even close to being bilingual on this one like some of you may be. I’m a very solid Words of Destruction—especially when I go into what I call Flamethrower Mode. It’s bad, kids.

Well, I hope this has been fun, informative, and heartwarming. Rosetta Stone curriculum for the Five Hate Languages in progress—to translate those temper tantrums of people around you and learn how to resolve conflict. Coming soon to a Christian bookstore near you . . . or not.