Names are important. Everyone knows this. Writers and expectant
mothers spend long hours on babynames.com trying to decide if they can name a
character/child “Calvin” even though it means “bald.” We like to hear our own
names used. Most of the time, unless you’re oblivious like me, someone calling
(or especially whispering) your own name will yank your attention even in the
middle of a loud environment.
The problem is, it’s hard to remember other people’s names,
especially when you meet them in a larger group. But never fear, my friends,
after three full years in college where I meet masses of people and forget who
they are almost instantly, I have found a solution: be a name ninja.
Name ninjas are those who have found subtle, sneaky ways to
avoid the perils of awkward encounters where the other person clearly knows
you, but you don’t know them. Here are a few of the moves in my extensive ninja
repertoire.
Ask for a way to remember the person’s name. It doesn’t even
have to make sense. When I asked Caleb, one of the jr. highers in my youth
group, to give me an association with his name, he said, “I like bacon and
there’s a spy in the Bible named Caleb.” Now, what bacon had to do with the
Bible is beyond me (it’s not even a kosher food). But I still remember his
name, so it must have worked.
Try to get a nickname to stick on the spot. “You know what
name I think of when I see you for some reason? Phoenix. Yeah. Isn’t that
catchy? Do you have any obscure connections to Arizona? No? Mythical birds that
caught on fire? Maybe that’s it.” Hopefully, since you were the one who gave
the nickname, you’ll remember it in the future, but if not, at least call the person
by the nickname for the rest of that conversation.
If someone says, “Hi, Amy,” and you don’t know their name in
return, it’s a dead giveaway to respond with, “Hey, oh, yeah…um…you” and look
at the ground. Try “Good morning!” This is acceptable even if it’s not actually
morning, although if you want to give “Good afternoon” or “Top of the evening
to you” a shot, please do. I would say, however, that using “How are you?” as a
name-loss cover up is a cheap shot. If you don’t know the person well enough to
remember her name, you probably don’t really care how she’s doing.
Come up with a reason to take a picture of the person with
your cell phone. Then put it into the Facebook SuperStalker database to compare
the face with all of your friends and mutual friends. It takes about
seventy-nine seconds to confirm a match, but you can stall for that long,
right?
Declare that today is “Alternate Point of View Day” and
celebrate by constantly referring to yourself in third person. “Amy would like
you to pass the ketchup, please.” “That was exactly what Amy was thinking too!”
“You know, it’s just about time for Amy to leave.” Hope that either it will
catch on and your mystery person will talk about himself in third person, or
that he’ll be so weirded out that he leaves.
Casually introduce into conversation the topic of name spellings.
“There are about 12 ways to spell ‘Kaitlyn.’ Weird, huh? So, how do you spell
your name?” This could get a bit awkward if the person’s name is Al or Ben, but
other than that, it might seem legit. Alternately, ask them to explain the story
of how they got their name. That usually works the name itself in, and you
might also get a long, interesting tale about your new acquaintance’s Great
Aunt Miranda who demanded that someone in the family name their first child
after her favorite philosopher or she wouldn’t leave them any money in her
will.
Pray for the spiritual gift of name memorizing. Some people,
like my twin sister, totally have this gift. I do not.
Practice your pickpocketing skills and get ahold of the
person’s purse/wallet. Then ransack it for a glimpse of their identification.
While you’re at it, copy down the number on their credit card too, just so you
have something else to associate with them. That should help.
Well, I hope this has been helpful for developing your ninja
skills. So go out there and fight against awkwardness, one name at a time.
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