How Many Crazy Writer Tendencies Do You Have?

I realized I hadn’t had a quiz on here for a long time. And, since crazy people, by definition, don’t know that they’re crazy, I thought this handy guide might be helpful. Enjoy. And let me know what your level of insanity is.

Say you were alone at a cabin in the mountains, well-stocked with supplies, in November, probably hunting a turkey for your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. If a freak avalanche trapped you there for the winter, how long would it take you to go stir-crazy?

1. Probably about a week, if that. I couldn’t handle not being around people. 
2. Around Christmas I’d get a little lonely, but I could keep myself busy and stick it out the whole winter without going completely insane.
3. Are you kidding me? I’ve waited my whole life for an opportunity like this! Think of all the writing I could get done!
4. Wait, why was I hunting a turkey when I can buy one at the grocery store? This question doesn’t even make sense.

How heated is your opinion on the Oxford comma?

1. That’s a kind of punctuation, right? I think I’ve heard of it, but I don’t really care.
2. I mean, I can see both points of view, although I could argue one side over the other. Really, just follow the rules of whatever publication you’re writing for.
3. Oh my goodness, don’t even start. I have had five heated debates about this in the past year. Friendships were ended. It was bad.
4. Oxford…that’s in England, right? I like England.

Sentimentality-O-Meter

Seen a Hallmark holiday special yet? Turned on the radio to hear a Christmas song intended to pull on your heartstrings? Seen the covers of Christian novellas with titles like “Little Julie’s Gift” or “A Christmas Miracle” or “Members of a Small, Steepled Church, Including a Disillusioned Pastor, a Rebellious Teenager, and a Busy Mom With Wrong Priorities, Come Together to Bring Christmas to an Injured Child Whose Father is in Prison”?

Writers out there, take note: sentimental sells during the holiday season. In case you need a guide on how to capitalize on this, here’s a handy scorecard to see how sappy you can possibly make a piece of Christmas entertainment.

Does it feature a child?: If yes, +10. If no, it’s not a sappy Christmas movie/song/book. Try again.

            Does this child believe in Santa or God despite the cynicism of adults around him/her?              +25 (+10 bonus if this change only comes at the end of the movie/song/book)

                        If you flinched at the association of Santa and God above, good for you. No                         points, though.

            Has this child recently lost a parent, or is this child critically ill? +25

            Does this child die? +200

Does someone cry? (Tears of sadness: +10, Tears of happiness: +20, Tears of happiness that could be mistaken as tears of sadness or vice versa: +50)

Is there a gift that expresses profound symbolism? +20

Is there a scene/line where unexpected snow features significantly? +10

            Do the characters look up at the snow with expressions of joy and wonder? +5 per person

            Does someone express a disbelieving sentiment such as “Well I’ll be”? +10 per comment

Does the line “Merry Christmas” or some form of it end a critical scene? +10

Is one of the characters opposed to Christmas? If so…

            Is this character on a personal quest to cancel or get rid of some feature of the holiday (or             the entire holiday)? +10

            Is this character an embittered older person who will probably have a change of heart? +30

Are there any cute pets? +10 per cat, dog, bunny, reindeer, monkey, or baby hedgehog (no points for snakes or lizards)

Are angels referenced or pictured? +15 if said angel is robed and carrying a harp. -100 if it has six wings, carries a sword, and/or is covered with eyes.

Quick Checklist

+5 for any of the following:

Airport scene?

Mention of peace on earth?

Slow motion?

Word “miracle” used?

Someone looks up and says, “Thanks”?

Bells (church or jingle)?

Sleigh ride?

Boys’ choir singing?

The Five Hate Languages

Not going to lie, the first time I was asked which of the “Five Love Languages” I expressed the most, I immediately thought I should be choosing between Latin, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, or French.

Romance languages. Love languages. They’re similar, okay?

I soon found out that the actual love languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Acts of Service. Then I was talked into taking an online quiz (with such subtle, soul-searching questions as, “Do you feel valued when people affirm you?” or “Do you enjoy receiving gifts?”).

Apparently I enjoy spending time with people and having them say nice things about me. Which I never could have figured out apart from this invaluable assessment.

All that to say, in my humble opinion, the Internet doesn’t need another Love Language quiz. So, I decided to put my own twist on this topic. I call it, “The Five Hate Languages,” and it will help you figure out how you (or a fictional character, if you’re a writer) react to people or situations that hurt you.

Not-Actually-Official Myers-Briggs Test

Most people spend years studying psychology and getting fancy framed degrees in order to put together theories and tests like this. Me? I put on a sweater that resembles a lab coat and speak in a fake British accent as I planned out these questions (everyone knows British accents make you smarter). I could also put together a quick bar graph on Excel with made-up statistics if you like.

No? Well, then, you’ll just have to take this test as it is: a fun kinda-sorta Myers-Briggsish exercise. I tried to be as accurate as I could without being boring. (Most of these tests are as dry as a crouton.) There are four sections for each of the four pairs of traits that I’ve talked each Wednesday.

Pick whichever answer that fits the best, even if it’s not exactly accurate. They might possibly be a little exaggerated in either direction. Sorry about that. It was just too tempting.

For you writers out there, use this test on your characters too. It can be really fun. I found out that my latest narrator has the personality type that I’m supposed to marry, according to the (almost entirely bogus) analysis on one of the Myers-Briggs websites out there. Also, I asked my sister which character in that story she identified most with. She picked the one with her exact same type, even though he’s a very different kind of person than she is. Coincidence? Maybe. Anyway, it’s interesting.

And be honest with your answers, kids. You can’t cheat on a personality test, although you’re welcome to try.

Test Your Villain IQ

I’ve seen way too many antagonists who are portrayed as evil geniuses, but then do something that the average fifth grader would realize is a bad idea. Writers need to create consistently intelligent villains because…

A.     Readers won’t be afraid of someone who is dumber than they are. When I read a story, I instantly lose respect for a villain when he does something stupid for no good reason.

B.     Even though the villain’s stupid mistake might allow the hero to save the day, would it really feel rewarding? If you have to dumb down your antagonist to find a way for your protagonist to succeed, your climax won’t be as compelling or your resolution as satisfying.

C.     You don’t want people to make fun of your villain. Villains usually have low self esteem problems to begin with. No need to add to that.

Here’s a quiz to see if you are smarter than the average villain/henchman, just to point out some of the most common mistakes villains will make.

Note: If you stumbled on this blog post because you’re a megalomaniac dictator who wants to take over the world, oppress the innocent, etc., congratulations! You’ve come to the right place. Although this quiz is mainly for writers, you, too, can learn from the mistakes of other nefarious characters like yourself. Welcome.

Playing Settlers with Protagonists

In this post, I am officially breaking every rule of writing to a general audience, including, but not limited to, avoiding insider language, being too specific and technical, and using an illustration that may not be familiar to all of my readers. I acknowledge this and accept any horrible penalties that may be inflicted upon me by the muse and/or some mysterious board of editors who police things like this.

That said, even if you’re not familiar with the board game Settlers of Catan (which you really should be), this quiz can still be helpful. Just ignore the terminology.

We’re going to do an analogy here, so track with me. In Settlers, the goal is to win the game. In your story, the protagonist’s goal is…well, whatever his goal is. As the writer, it helps to know how your protagonist will try to reach that goal, and how he will react to people who stand in the way. These kind of tendencies are the same that can be seen in others while playing strategy games. Thus the analogy.

Take the quiz for your protagonist and deal him a hand (or her, but I use the masculine here because I think he/she gets annoying).

Sabbath Reflections: Is This a Christian Book or Not?

If you’re anything like me, when you pick up a novel at a yard sale where books aren’t separated by genre, the first question on your mind is, “I wonder if this is a Christian book or not?”

Well, wonder no more. Since it’s obvious that spirituality can be rated by entirely subjective and arbitrary characteristics, score a book of your choice here:

Author Photo/Bio:

• The author lives in a small town in the Midwest. +5
• The author lives in San Francisco. -3

            The author lives on a vineyard outside of San Francisco for most of the year, and in Las Vegas for the summer. -10

• Photo shows the author wearing a cross necklace/earring/T-shirt. +8
• He has Jesus-like facial hair.  +5
• She has a haircut like your pastor’s wife. +5

            (If the picture shows a female with facial hair or a male with a pastor’s wife haircut, give it a -50. And write a letter of concern to the author.)

Writer or Creeper?

As writers, we like to think of ourselves as experts on human nature. After all, to write realistic dialogue and create compelling characters, we have to observe the world around us, right?

Well, yes. Sort of. Anyway, it’s a good excuse for some borderline creepy behavior. The following quiz is a tool to help you evaluate your creepy writer habits. Should your score and the resulting diagnosis alarm you, don’t worry: you can change.

I’ll let you know as soon as I find out how.