Recently, I found an old journal from the summer before my freshman year of college. (And by “found,” I mean that I’ve been doing actual archeological digs to get rid of mounds of papers, ticket stubs, old folders, and other office supply debris that have accumulated on, in, and under my desk.)
As this journal was found in one of the lower strata, it’s
pretty obvious that I hadn’t read it since the day I wrote it, August of 2009.
Only a few pages are filled out, and one is a list of qualities that I wanted
to develop during four years at college. It is, as I put it, “a reflection of
all my weaknesses and failures,” the person I wanted to be as an
eighteen-year-old but knew I wasn’t yet.
Guess what? I’m still not there yet. But it’s interesting,
looking back at this list, that many of the ways that God specifically
intervened in my life to change me were in these areas. Here are a few of them:
I want to be someone
who…
Doesn’t need the
approval of others.
Okay, fine,
this one is always going to be a struggle, because I love people and want
people to love me. However, during these past four years I’ve learned how to
distinguish between rejecting rejection and rejecting constructive criticism. The
first one is good (not investing my identity in what people think of me and letting it control my actions). The second is terrible
(ignoring ways I can improve pointed out by people I respect). What people
think of me still matters…but the circle of whose opinions matter is getting
smaller, and most of those people love me anyway.
Learns to love God
with all her heart.
Basically,
my relationship with God has always been more of a
let’s-do-inductive-Bible-study-and-discuss-theology kind of relationship, which
isn’t necessarily bad. Still, I’ve really enjoyed being exposed to the way
other people relate to and worship God, and that’s broadened my understanding
of who God is and helped me love him more on a personal level (instead of just loving knowledge about him).
Takes responsibilities
and commitments seriously.
Well, there
was that exam I almost slept through. And the time my cell phone fell out of my
pocket while I was making a snow angel, stayed there all night, and then got
run over by a plow (it still worked!). Of course, we shouldn’t forget the Lost
Semester of extreme overcommitment (17 credit hours including 3 literature
classes…6 extracurricular activities…and 2 book manuscripts to finish…not the most
brilliant planning I’ve ever done). But guess what? I learned from those
mistakes. By my senior year, I appreciated the value in slowing down, being
fully present, setting writing deadlines, and making
sure that if I promised someone I’d do something that I would absolutely do it
no matter what. And I even (gasp!) made a few lists near the end there.
Lives a genuine and
sincere life.
This one, I
think, has a lot to do with what I’ve learned about myself. "Discovering yourself" is some
mysterious process they tell you is supposed to happen when you’re at
college and on your own for the first time. Except this time the cliché ended
up being true. Looking back, I realize that there's no way I can be sincere in
the way I interact with others if I’m either insecure or arrogant. When I can
honestly assess who I am, what my gifts and weaknesses are, how I learn, what
I’m afraid of, and why I do the things I do, I can relate to others in a more
genuine way instead of reading off some generic script of how I think I’m
supposed to treat other people.
Lets others teach her
things and is open to changing her mind.
This could
possibly be the biggest way I’ve changed in college. It’s almost like one day I
woke up and realized, “Hey, there are really intelligent people who disagree
with me on things. Maybe I’m not always the ultimate decider of
every absolute truth!” Not that I don’t have room to work on here, but I’m getting
much better about being gracious when having discussions with people who don’t
see things the same way I do.
It was kind of exciting to look at this list and see change,
especially compared to where I started. God is doing things, and he’ll keep
doing things. I think there’s a myth that you can accidentally stumble on
spiritual growth, which I don’t think is usually true…but there’s also an
unrealistic expectation that you should be able to knuckle down and fix all of
your character flaws on your own. The middle ground between these two extremes
is joining with God on the things you know you need to work on.
Which is why I need to stop writing this blog post and start
another list.
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