King John's Christmas

(This week, I decided to post one of the children's plays I wrote for Plays magazine but couldn't sell because the poem it quotes won't be in the public domain for eleven years. So enjoy!)

King John’s Christmas

by Amy Green

Adapted from the poem by A. A. Milne

Cast

Minstrel

Peasant

Freddy—servant boy

Emma—servant girl

Housekeeper

King John—a selfish ruler

Lord Hastings

Lady Hastings

Young John

Setting: King John’s office. There is a desk at center, with stacks of papers and several Christmas cards propped up on the edge.

At Rise: Minstrel, carrying a guitar or other stringed instrument, stands down right. Housekeeper and Freddy stand at far left. Emma is scrubbing the floor near center stage.

MINSTREL: Well, it’s Christmastime again. And that reminds me of a story from my days playing music in the royal court of old King John. Maybe you’ve heard of him.

FREDDY: Heard of him! He’s a regular slavedriver, that one.

HOUSEKEEPER: Only thing stiffer than him are his dress shirts—after he has me iron them a dozen times each.

FREDDY: Nothing but work, work, work, every day of the year. (He and HOUSEKEEPER exit left.)

EMMA: Even on Christmas.

MINSTREL: That’s right. Even on Christmas. He’s an interesting man, that King John.

(Strumming guitar)     King John was not a good man–
                                    He had his little ways.
                                    And sometimes no one spoke to him
                                    For days and days and days.

Pixar Movie Advice for Finals Week

Yes, I know this is Saturday, and that means I'm supposed to post something really deep and thought-provoking. Go back in the archives to find one of those posts if you want to.

However, since I have lots of friends still in college who are studying for finals (or, you know, they should be, anyway), I present to you...

Seven Pixar Clips That Will Help You Ace Your Exams

I didn't actually use clips from Monster's University, because that would be too obvious.

Seriously. Animated movies hold a lot of wisdom. Also, I like these clips and wanted to give you an excuse to procrastinate for ten minutes. Enjoy.

One: Toy Story

Finals Week Takeaway: Nothing beats an highly organized plan of attack. Your chances of acing those finals are better if you treat studying like an all-out war.

Two: Monsters Inc.

Finals Week Takeaway: Discipline pays off. And montages make everything better. You probably should create one of your studying routine. (Vocab flashcard drills and coffee runs would make a super interesting training montage. Quality stuff.)

Spooky Story Challenge

 (Author Anne Elisabeth Stengl challenged readers to write a short story on Halloween based on a childhood fear. Here's mine.)

The Doll Without a Name

Gramma Lottie’s doll is not to be played with. That’s a rule. A serious one, not like when Grampie Joe says you can’t have any dessert and you really can. It’s a real actual antique, like in shops where everything can break.

They keep her up on the top shelf, all locked up, in the guest room. And when I visit I sleep in that room ‘cause I’m a guest then.

She looks really pretty, with a lacy blue dress and really long eyelashes. And I wonder if she’s got those fancy underpants that they used to wear, only I don’t know because I’m not supposed to touch her.

“Hey, you should probably let me open up that case,” I say one day while Gramma is making brownies. “I watched Toy Story last week, and it says that toys don’t like being in cages.”

“Cases, dear,” Gramma Lottie says.

“Yeah, whatever. What’s the doll’s name?”

“She doesn’t have a name,” Gramma Lottie says firmly, in the voice she usually saves for when I’m in trouble. Except I haven’t even broken a rule yet. “Because she’s not real.”

“Okay,” I say, because I don’t know why she’s using that voice, but it’s dangerous. Time to drop the subject. I start to leave.

“I never liked that doll,” Gramma Lottie says, all quiet.

Happy Blog Birthday 2!

Today Just the Fiction Ma’am is turning two years old! Isn’t that cute!

(Actually, its real birthday was yesterday, but I was busy dealing with a crisis coffee cake situation and didn't have time to post this. Don't tell it, okay?)

To celebrate, I put together a “Best of” post. If you want to catch up on a year’s worth of my blogs without actually reading the 104 of them from this year, here’s a great summary. (And here's last year's roundup if you want a few more.)

Most Popular Post:

The Problem with Sexy Disney Princesses. This was the runaway winner, with almost 1,800 views, mostly because it was posted on the Facebook and Twitter of Christians for Biblical Equality. But also because comparing Disney princesses to porn stars is interesting.

Although, in a surprise dark horse candidate rush at the last minute, A Letter To the Church From the Lonely is  trying to surpass this one. We'll see...

Best Keywords That Sent Someone To My Blog:

“Why sarcasm is a sin.” Three people have searched for this, only to be directed to Christian Satire: Is Sarcasm a Sin? To give you a sense of their great disappointment, the first sentence of that post is “No.” Maybe they learned not to prooftext their opinions via Google search. Or maybe I’m just being optimistic. 

Best Title:

Go Shopping, Fight Nazis. Who says Hitler and Black Friday don’t mix? Also, I am seriously considering naming my hypothetical first daughter Julie because of the awesome old lady in this blog post. 

Most Informative:

By all rights, given the topic of this blog, it ought to be something related to writing. But no. The winner in this category is: Bacon in World Religions, where I explain why I think Christianity is the only major world religion that allows its adherents to eat bacon. It’s based on the final paper for my Eastern World Religions class, so I actually did legitimate research instead of looking stuff up on Google. That helped up the informative quotient.

My Top Three Posts:

Based entirely on blatant favoritism, in no particular order.

Mourning Inspector Javert: In which I talk about my favorite character from Les Miserables and why his story had such an impact on me.

Seeking a Homeland: My way of coping with change. Turns out, our early 20s are a time of instability and insecurity. Actually, a lot of the posts I've written over the past month have been my favorites, probably because I have more time for introspection than I did while in college.

When It Is Not Well With Your Soul: What to do when you can't honestly sing the words of your favorite hymn.

Most Controversial:

You’d think this would be the one where I talked about gay marriage. Or the one about bikinis. Most of that debate took place via Facebook and private messages, so you can’t see it. But not everyone agrees with me on these two. Which is fine with me.

But, really, my most controversial post was Four Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Write Letters. I had over a dozen concerned people ask me via Facebook message and in person if I was really boycotting sending mail. Sometimes I forget that satire doesn’t always translate over the Internet.

Most Unusual Format:

Be a Heretic Monday Starter Kit. Where I basically ask a ton of perplexing faith questions and don’t answer any of them. Let me tell you, that was fun.

It's been a good two years. There might be changes in store in the future. Because, as you might have noticed, almost every single post that I really enjoyed was not about writing, the ostensible subject of this blog.

Let's just say that I might have a new blog in mind. Still in the plotting...I mean, planning stages. But I'm looking forward to what comes next.

Bacon in World Religions

So, fun fact: of the major world religions, Christianity is the only one that doesn’t officially prohibit bacon.

That’s right. If someone is a devout Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, or Jew, they’re not supposed to eat bacon. Pigs of the world, rejoice!

To me, this isn’t just a bit of trivia, or a suggestion for a new kind of evangelism. I wrote my final research paper of my college career on bacon in different world religions. (Always an excellent way to end an academic career—ten pages of research wrapped in greasy pigskin.)

"For where your bacon is, there will your heart be also." (Really New Living Translation)

Anyway, here’s a quick summary of the reasons other religions don’t allow bacon. (I am not even doing justice to this here, but I figured you didn’t want to read a ten-page paper about it.)

Bacon in Judaism

• The Mosaic Law includes pork as an unclean food

• Important for being set apart

• Emphasizes the fact that having specific rules even around food makes them aware of God’s lordship in everyday life

• Only Orthodox, not Reformed

Bacon in Islam

• Pork is forbidden in the Qur’an (unless you’re starving)

• Pigs are seen as dirty and brazen

• General obedience to a command of Allah

Bacon in Hinduism and Buddhism

• Vegetarianism preached (eating animals leads to bad karma), but not practiced by all devotees

• Ethics of harming animals—belief that god is in/through everything

• Could lead to violence in other areas

The Five Best Ways to Say Goodbye to Me

Understatement of the year: I strongly dislike saying goodbyes. But, since I'm graduating, I’ve been doing a lot of that recently, with more to go. I’ve noticed that, for some people, it’s hard to know what to do or say when saying goodbye to a college graduate. In the name of helping people out of unnecessarily awkward situations, I have compiled a list of five ways to say goodbye to me.

A hundred million bonus points to you if you somehow manage to do all five at once.

One: Give me a hug.

I like hugs. And this week, I might need them.

Two: Find a “See you in heaven if not sooner” card instead of a graduation card.

I’m really just kidding. Graduation cards are great (although whoever invented those dumb hats probably thinks it’s hilarious that their practical joke has stuck for this long).

Seriously, though, the prospect of an infinite amount of time with these great people who I might not see again around here is very encouraging. Especially because in heaven, we won’t have stupid misunderstandings or bad tempers or frustratingly vague relationships or any of that nonsense. It’s going to be a party.

Three: Tell me you’re praying for me.

Graduation is scary, and I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing yet. I appreciate people saying they’ll miss me and they’ll pray for me.

Four: Vandalize something I own.

This may seem counter-intuitive, but throwing a rock through my window, slashing my tires, or painting a frowny-face on my laptop screen allows me to be angry at you instead of sad that you’re leaving. I can channel all of my negative emotions into yelling at/suing you instead of just being miserable that you’re cool and I’m going away.

(I’m totally kidding, by the way. Put that can of spraypaint down, sir.)

Five: Fill out an application to be my pen pal.

I am not actually kidding about this one. I love writing letters. I’m also really bad at keeping track of addresses. So this was my solution. Also, the questions were just really fun to write.

Here’s the application. Copy it, fill it out and either print it and give it to me, or send it to me via email. I can’t promise more than a letter or two a year, depending on how many people do this, but I would love to stay in touch with you the snail mail way.

So, thanks to everyone reading this blog who’s been a part of my four years of college. I love you, I’ll miss you, I’m looking forward to seeing you and hearing from you again in whatever form that takes.

Four Reasons Why I Don’t Want a Secret Admirer

Let’s start this off with a confession: When I was writing out my college bucket list last year (things I wanted to do before graduation), I almost added, “Have a secret admirer.”

Because, admit it, that sounds cool, right? I could just picture it…I’d get a note with letters cut out of a magazine…in a code based on the Gettysburg Address…with flowers arranged according to the art of Victorian floral language. (Because if a guy was willing to go to that much trouble, he’d totally be leaving me an anonymous note.)

Then I thought about it for another five seconds and realized that this was not something I actually wanted. This became especially true this week when a “Secret Admirers” Facebook page for my university popped up, where people could leave anonymous notes of love, dramatic tributes to a secret crush’s good qualities, or ridiculously obvious jokes.

Content issues and general creepiness aside, most of the posts are harmless and pretty entertaining, even if you know half of them are written by the person’s roommate as a prank. Still, it made me think about secret admirers again, and why I don’t want one. Here are a few reasons:

One: It’s too easy. 

I think I’ve said this before (wait…I know I have—here): I can sometimes be extremely awkward about accepting compliments. Or giving them. But, in general, things that are hard for us are also really good for us. So maybe venting our emotions anonymously on a Facebook page really doesn’t do much as far as developing our personal character, especially in areas like courage, honesty, and self-control.

Along these lines, a lot of people on the Secret Admirers page will post or comment about the fact that people should just muster up the bravery to tell the guy or girl about their undying affection in person instead of posting anonymously. And I see their point. But I think you can take another angle on this too: in some circumstances it might be better to not tell the guy or girl to their face OR post on Facebook.

Let me explain (and also give the warning that this may sound somewhat heartless). Many of the posts are to people who are already dating or engaged, or from people who say the guy/girl is “out of my league,” so they’re clearly not ready to be in a relationship with that person. If you know that, why not have the self-control to keep your crush to yourself? Or better yet, stop pretending that puppy love is this irresistible force that makes you dream about a guy or girl who is not yours to dream about. It’s not. Just because we have the capability to anonymously post our every emotion on Facebook doesn’t mean we should.

Three Gifts for Writers Reviewed

A few days ago, I decided to look up gifts for writers, inspired by an author-themed candle a friend posted on my Facebook wall.

What I found? All kinds of books on writing—apparently everyone and their unemployed nephew can tell you methods and strategies for how to be a better writer. Lots of T-shirts with writerly slogans like, “Be careful, or I’ll put you in my novel” or “Keep Calm and Write On.” (Is there any niche group that this British cultural juggernaut cannot fit into its mold? I don’t think so. They’re everywhere.)

And I also found these three gifts. Take a look. Put them on a gift list for a writer in your life. Or, in some cases, maybe not.

Jenga: Book Lovers Edition

As you can see from this picture, I actually own this one. And I’m really, nerdily happy about it.

Sentimentality-O-Meter

Seen a Hallmark holiday special yet? Turned on the radio to hear a Christmas song intended to pull on your heartstrings? Seen the covers of Christian novellas with titles like “Little Julie’s Gift” or “A Christmas Miracle” or “Members of a Small, Steepled Church, Including a Disillusioned Pastor, a Rebellious Teenager, and a Busy Mom With Wrong Priorities, Come Together to Bring Christmas to an Injured Child Whose Father is in Prison”?

Writers out there, take note: sentimental sells during the holiday season. In case you need a guide on how to capitalize on this, here’s a handy scorecard to see how sappy you can possibly make a piece of Christmas entertainment.

Does it feature a child?: If yes, +10. If no, it’s not a sappy Christmas movie/song/book. Try again.

            Does this child believe in Santa or God despite the cynicism of adults around him/her?              +25 (+10 bonus if this change only comes at the end of the movie/song/book)

                        If you flinched at the association of Santa and God above, good for you. No                         points, though.

            Has this child recently lost a parent, or is this child critically ill? +25

            Does this child die? +200

Does someone cry? (Tears of sadness: +10, Tears of happiness: +20, Tears of happiness that could be mistaken as tears of sadness or vice versa: +50)

Is there a gift that expresses profound symbolism? +20

Is there a scene/line where unexpected snow features significantly? +10

            Do the characters look up at the snow with expressions of joy and wonder? +5 per person

            Does someone express a disbelieving sentiment such as “Well I’ll be”? +10 per comment

Does the line “Merry Christmas” or some form of it end a critical scene? +10

Is one of the characters opposed to Christmas? If so…

            Is this character on a personal quest to cancel or get rid of some feature of the holiday (or             the entire holiday)? +10

            Is this character an embittered older person who will probably have a change of heart? +30

Are there any cute pets? +10 per cat, dog, bunny, reindeer, monkey, or baby hedgehog (no points for snakes or lizards)

Are angels referenced or pictured? +15 if said angel is robed and carrying a harp. -100 if it has six wings, carries a sword, and/or is covered with eyes.

Quick Checklist

+5 for any of the following:

Airport scene?

Mention of peace on earth?

Slow motion?

Word “miracle” used?

Someone looks up and says, “Thanks”?

Bells (church or jingle)?

Sleigh ride?

Boys’ choir singing?

Happy Blog Birthday!

It’s my blog’s one-year birthday! To celebrate, take a look at some random stats and fun facts about Just the Fiction, Ma'am. Or feel free to send my blog chocolate cake. I hear blogs are pretty messy eaters, so I might eat some of it instead.

• 1 – number of posts (so far) that contain a secret code. There’s a very long story here.
• 3 – average number of times I read/edit each post.
• 8 – number of weeks I was without at laptop due to a seven-year-old throwing an exercise ball at my screen. Posts got a little sporadic in this era, breaking my consistency streak.
• 104 – total posts, not including this one, which somehow makes it look like I actually posted twice a week all year like I intended to, when I actually skipped several days (but I had bonus blog entries sometimes too).
• 200000 – approximate number of typos my friends caught and told me to fix, including one that I caught while compiling my favorite post list.

Here are ten of my favorite posts from the archives, in no particular order, with a little explanation of why. If you didn’t read every post (because who does, besides my mom?), or if you came in partway through the year, here’s an easy way to catch up.

Thanks for sticking with me for a year and reading some of my ramblings. It's been a lot of fun.

What I Learned On My Summer Vacation

Despite the fact that this sounds like a second-grader’s back-to-school report, I promise you that it will be full of deep insights and life lessons.

Or maybe not. But it should be entertaining at least.

Tomorrow is my last day at my Focus on the Family internship. It’s been a great seven weeks, partially because of the cool stuff I learned. Here are some of the individual stuffs, broken down into bullet points to distract you from the fact that I just used the word “stuffs.”

• The quickest way to the heart of a conservative Christian ministry is by distributing free cinnamon rolls along with extra cream cheese icing to spread on them. I have no idea why people promoting a credit union were doing this. But I am fully in support of it.
• I used up two full pens writing letters and journaling, and one red pen editing. That means that I’m twice as creative as I am critical.
• The following conversation was great: “What’d you do this morning?” “Fought Nazis. You?” “Oh, I crushed children’s hopes and dreams.” (Referring to fixing plot flaws in a kids’ book about WWII and judging entries for Odyssey’s “Get in the Show” contest, respectively.)

Star Wars Mafia

This post has no relevance to anything I usually post about. It’s just a really great game that needs to be shared (and explained so people can actually play it).

I did not create this game. That credit goes to Jordan Bolte, a graduate of Taylor my freshman year who I never actually met. My sister and I modified it a bit, adding and taking away characters and changing a few powers, but he came up with most of this.

But, seriously, this game is awesome. Even people who hate normal Mafia love it. The world needs to know about it. So bear with the lengthy rules. The best way to learn about this game is to play a round or two. It’s not complicated for anyone…except the Force, the narrator. So this document is really for all the wannabe Forces out there. Enjoy.

Conversation Hearts for Writers

No one knows exactly why candy companies sell millions of pastel chalk-like hearts with generic romantic sayings on them around Valentine’s Day. (Incidentally, they are not, in fact, chalk. I know this because I used one to write my name on a blackboard…and it would not erase.)

Do you know what the problem is with those candy hearts? I’ll tell you: they’re too generic. Hundreds of people across the nation will hand over that very same heart to others with the same chalky hands from searching through the bag for that same perfect message.

No, my friends. This should not be. We need specificity. We need detail. We need…conversation hearts for special interest groups. Like writers, for instance.